How Becoming a Mother Kidnaps Your Sex Life
The Mommy Syndrome
Hannah used to be the “IT” girl. She was successful, upwardly mobile, had a good income. She was pretty, felt sexy and went to the gym, ran marathons and took plenty of “me” time. She met Brad and got married. Next step – baby. She was so excited to get pregnant. And so she did!
Fast forward, 2 years later. Hannah is a stay at home mom, dotes on her son Jack, recently had another baby, Madison. She loves her kids and takes them to all sorts of activities and hangs out with other mommies.
But here is the problem
Hannah doesn’t do anything for herself anymore. She has gained weight from her pregnancies and never goes to the gym. She dresses in yoga pants and a hoodie every day and doesn’t put herself together like she used to. She doesn’t want to get a sitter to watch her kids. She feels like a “bad mom” for wanting some alone time. She has gained about 30 pounds over the last two years. She is feeling chunky, unsexy, and doesn’t want to get dressed to go out. She isn’t clinically depressed, but she is drowning in kids and yoga pants and she doesn’t feel like the “it” girl anymore. She feels pretty bad about herself.
Her husband Brad comes home in the evening. He had a busy day at the office and then he did some “networking” at a bar after work. Networking? Yeah, right. He just went out for a drink. She feels resentful and angry. She would have rushed home had she been the one at work. She knows she is lucky to be able to stay home, that he makes enough money to allow that, but she is resentful.
Evenings are chaotic. Finally, the kids fall asleep. She crawls into bed and WHAT? Brad rolls over and starts to kiss her. He clearly wants sex. “Ugh. I am so tired, leave me alone”, she thinks. She pushes his hands away. This same scenario plays out over many nights and finally Brad stops trying. He feels rejected. Their relationship grows apart.
Hannah is very much like many patients I see. They come to me because they feel like they have low sex drive. Low drive is ruining their relationship and they want to know what they can do about it.
Take some “me” time
After talking with Hannah, I can see there are many contributors to her lack of sex drive. She is tired at the end of the day from being home with the kids, she feels fat and unsexy and she feels resentful towards Brad. Her self-confidence is at all-time low.
How to regain your self-confidence
1. Do something that makes you proud of yourself. Regain your identity. What hobbies have you always wanted to take up? What fun activities did you do in the past that you want to do again? Make time.
2. Exercise. There is nothing better for feeling down and unmotivated than working out. Not just a few sit ups. Do something that gets your heart rate going and makes you break a sweat. It helps your body release the “feel good” proteins in your brain. It helps you lose the baby weight and it has been shown to improve sex drive in both men and women!
3. Get dressed in the morning- shed the yoga pants, sweatshirts and ponytails. Dress for success! Even if you aren’t going anywhere, you will feel better all cleaned up.
4. Don’t feel guilty about leaving your kids to do something for yourself. If getting a sitter is too expensive, trade kids with a friend for a few hours. You watch her kids and then she will watch yours. You both get some alone time and the kids get to play together. Win-win-win!
5. Do something for someone else. Volunteer. It makes us feel so good to help others.
All of these help give us a sense of identity and self-worth. Make them a priority. Your children will be better off in the long run.
It is time to reconnect with your husband. Open those lines of communication. Now that you are feeling better, you might be more interested in sex. BUT, don’t wait until 11 at night to think about sex. Saturday mornings or Sunday afternoons are a much better time or whenever you aren’t exhausted and grumpy. And please, oh please, get a lock on the bedroom door! Nothing can lower libido more than worrying that a small child is going to toddle into the bedroom while the two of you are getting it on!
Once you have made some of these changes and tuned up your relationship, if you still feel like you have low libido, see a sexual medicine expert. Some women have an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain that can lead to low libido. We call it hypoactive desire disorder. There are some pharmacological treatments to help women just like you, like Addyi and Vyleesi. These medicines are designed to rebalance that sexual scale, so to speak.
Dr. Becky Lynn is a gynecologist, menopause and sexual health specialist in St. Louis, MO. She is licensed to practice medicine in Missouri, Tennessee and Illinois. She she sees patients in her St. Louis office and offers telehealth consults to Illinois and Tennessee. Call today to schedule your appointment. (314) 934-0551 or click here to schedule.
