How to Get that 20 Something Sex Drive Back
When your mojo is a no go.
Do you crawl into bed at night hoping, just hoping, he won’t roll over and want to have sex with you? It has been a long day, you are tired, you worked all day. You fed the kids, you drove them to activities, you finally got everyone to bed and now you want to be left alone.
Does this sound like you? If so, you are not alone. Many women just like you are feeling the same way. What happened to the younger you, before kids and work? Where did she go and how can we get that sexy vixen back?
How to get the sexy vixen back.
In my practice, I start with these 9 tips to rekindling that flame.
1. Men and women are different. (I realize not all couples are man+woman and I adjust my tips accordingly) In general, your male partner will likely have a lot more drive than you do. So, compromise! Where can you both meet in the middle as far as how often you have sex? He may want it every day, you may want it never (well ok, once in awhile) but you need to find a solution that works for both of you. Sort of like, I don’t like Indian food, my husband does, and sometimes we compromise and just eat Indian food). Once you decide how often, put it on the calendar, make a date and a time. This sounds so unromantic. But. . . . . not if you frame it as an EROTIC PLAYDATE. That sounds much more exciting!
2. Nurture your relationship. We get busy with our lives, work and kids, we sometimes forget how important our intimate relationship is. We know that our lover is going to be there, so we focus all of our attention on those kids. That makes you a great mom, right? But, in order to maintain familial harmony, our intimate relationships need to be cultivated, otherwise those kids won’t be so happy when mom and dad fight or split up. Don’t forget about your partner. He should not be your last priority. Send him a sexy text right now.
3. Change the sexual script. Many times we get into a rut of how and when we have sex. It is always at night, same time, we go through the same old steps. It kind of becomes routine. Not exciting. How about picking a new room? A different time of day. Wear a wig. Didn’t you always want to be a blonde?
4. Sex is selfish and selfless! In order to want to have sex, it has to be satisfying to you. We are selfless in that we want to please our partner, yet we also need to be pleased ourselves, selfish. Sex should not be about the pleasure of just one person. It takes 2 to tango. Don’t let your needs be unmet! What keeps you coming back for more, a good orgasm! (no pun intended).
5. It is ok to feel sexy. Sadly, our society does a whole bunch of shaming of women who enjoy sex. If a man is sleeping around, we call him a stud. If a woman likes sex, we call her a slut. We need to put a BIG FAT stop to this. Look at our basic human needs - food, shelter and SEX. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to enjoy sex. Buy some sexy lingerie, do whatever it is you would like to do to feel sexy again. There are no rules.
6. Touch each other 6 times a day. Yes 6, all at once or 6 different times during the day. Human touch brings us closer together. It makes us communicate with each other, instead of just “passing on the highway”, so to speak.
7. For many women, desire isn’t super spontaneous. It appears after a kiss, a hug, someone took out the trash or asked how your day was. Women are less likely than men to be randomly thinking about sex. Are you getting what you need emotionally in the relationship? This plays a huge role in desire. If you feel slighted, or unappreciated, or you need attention not in the form of “hey, let’s have sex”, then your libido won’t be up to snuff. If your emotional needs aren’t being met, you may want to talk to your partner, or a counselor or someone who can help you communicate your needs.
8. Pick up that erotic novel, listen to Dipsea (erotic listening) or watch something that turns you on. You can really stir up some deep seated desires just thinking sexual. Don’t feel ashamed about what you find sexy, people get turned on by all sorts of things. It doesn’t mean you would ever do them or want them done to you. These are just fantasies, enjoy them.
9. Go to the gym, exercise, start to feel good about your body. If you have gained some holiday weight, wear sweats all the time and stress eat, this is not good for your sex life! Aerobic exercise, in and of itself, has been shown to improve sex drive in both men and women. Now think of how sexy you will feel when you slim down and tone up. You are going to want to show it off!
Relationship Advice
If you feel like problems in the relationship are contributing to your low drive, you can always see a counselor. Counselors can really help you get to the bottom of issues. I also recommend reading some of John Gottman’s writings or watching him on YouTube. He is a psychologist who has written some amazing articles on relationships worth reading. I loved his Four Horseman of the Apocolypse video. This is a short video that discusses the 4 things that can ruin a relationship or predict which relationships will fail. I made my husband and my kids watch it because I think it applies to human relationships in general. I also love Gary Chapman’s book The Love Languages. I recommend this to many of my patients. You don’t have to read the whole book to get the gist of it. Just take the quiz, have your partner take the quiz and then get together and discuss what you found. It is eye opening!
There is no female Viagra but there are other medicines.
Lastly, there are medicines that are FDA approved for low sex drive or HSDD which stands for hypoactive sexual desire disorder. These are for women who don’t have other major things contributing to their low drive, like a not so nice partner. All the medicine in the world won’t make you want to have sex if your partner is a creep.
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
HSDD is thought to be due to an imbalance in the brain. We sex scientists think of sex drive as a balance. Certain neurotransmitters and hormones in the brain are excitatory, they make us want to have sex. Other neurotransmitters and hormones are inhibitory, they make us NOT want to have sex. Usually, they are in balance or leaning to the excitatory side. Sometimes these get out of balance leading to low sex drive. This is where medicines like Vyleesi and Addyi come in. They can re-zero the scale, so to speak or tip it the direction you want it to go in. These medicines are prescriptions. They have been tested to make sure that they work and that they are safe. I would avoid things that aren’t scientifically tested and proven to work, or things that are unregulated.
Testosterone is another medicine that is commonly used to treat low sex drive. Studies have shown that in postmenopausal or perimenopausal women that testosterone can improve libido, orgasm, sensation and lubrication. Testosterone is not FDA approved for women but there are numerous studies showing that it is safe and effective short term. The North American Menopause Society and the International Menopause Society both recommend using products that are FDA approved for men, in much lower doses. They recommend against pellets- which give levels of testosterone that are dangerously high in some women. Pellets also have not been studied to show that they are safe or effective.
Sex drive is complicated. Low libido is rarely due to just one thing. But you don’t have to let differences in drive ruin your relationship. Talk to a specialist, there is help!
I am a Sexual Medicine Gynecologist
ADr. Becky Lynn is a gynecologist, menopause and sexual health specialist in St. Louis, MO. She is licensed to practice medicine in Missouri, Tennessee and Illinois. She she sees patients in her St. Louis office and offers telehealth consults to Illinois and Tennessee. Call today to schedule your appointment. (314) 934-0551 or click here to schedule.
To schedule go to evorawomen.com or call 314 934 0551
