Where did my 20 something sex drive go?
I was recently watching the Netflix series “You” which deals with an intensively obsessive 20 something man, falling for a somewhat clueless, innocent, sexy 20 something woman. But it’s not the obsession that struck me(or the unusually nefarious plot), it is the crazy, throw me up against the wall, rip off my clothes and have passionate sex with me that caught my attention. That is because in my gynecology and sexual medicine practice, I see women every day who tell me they have lost their sex drive. Some women are desperately missing it. They say they “want to want” again. Others tell me they would be completely happy if they never had to have sex again in their entire life. Had to have it? Where do our 20 something sex drives go as we age? Why do we lose them and most importantly, how do we get them back?
When does sex drive peak?
Sex drive peaks in women’s early reproductive years. Nature’s drive to find a mate and reproduce is super strong. Over time, we tend to settle down, have children, lead busy lives and our children become our main priority, right? Our spouse or partner, who we know is going to be there at the end of the day, becomes our last priority as we raise our kids and/or try to succeed in our careers. Sex lives become stale, boring, and we succumb to you guessed it-Duty Sex.
What is duty sex?
Duty sex is the sex we have because our partner wants it and we do it to fulfill their needs, not ours. Is it rip-roaring, bed-banging, need you NOW sex? Not at all! It is hurry up and get it over with sex. Our partner has needs right? But what are we, as women, getting out of duty sex? Intimacy and closeness, maybe. Pleasure? Not so much. When it comes to our pleasure during sex play, we say, “oh don’t worry about me”, “you can get me next time” or “I don’t need an orgasm today”. So we skip it, and from our standpoint, the sex is not so great. Next time, we want to do it even less, and the sex is even less great. In fact, it is kind of bad, so we don’t want to have sex the next time and the next time and the next time. You get the point. Our drive tanks because in order to want to have sex, it has to be sex worth wanting!!
Boring sex isn’t the only thing that can lower your sex drive.
Low libido is almost never due to just one thing, like duty sex. When I see my patients, I do a complete and detailed history to uncover anything that might remotely be contributing to low drive. If we only see and treat one thing, drive isn’t going to improve because all of the contributing factors weren’t addressed. I ask about depression, anxiety, medicines, pain during sex, communication and relationship problems, body image, what your family taught you about sex, history of sexual trauma, partner sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. (I know I am being heteronormative here, but the majority of my patients are in heterosexual relationships). The list is long.
But is there treatment or should I just give up?
YES! There is treatment. Don’t give up. Women may never get back to that same drive they had in their 20s but yes, they can “want” again. My general approach to treatment is to first educate women about what is normal. Many of us operate under certain assumptions about how sex should be, how we should be and how much sex we should want. What is normal for one relationship is different from what is normal for another. Second, we discuss how to mitigate all the contributing factors. For example, if the antidepressant someone is on is contributing to low libido, we discuss possibly changing it. If the relationship needs some help, maybe some counseling is in order. I generally recommend a good regimen of erotic reading if a patient is open to it. The idea behind erotic reading on a regular basis is to get those neurons in the brain that think sexual thoughts firing again and again and again. Those neurons may be out of shape, so to speak. So go ahead, pick up that smutty novel, and exercise your erotic brain.
There are medicines that are FDA approved to treat low drive in women like Addyi and Vyleesi. There are medicines that are not FDA approved for women, like testosterone, that have been shown in scientific studies to improve low sex drive in women. They work in a variety of ways. Each one has its own set of risks, benefits and side effects. One may work for one woman and not for her sister or best friend. None of them will give a woman the sex drive of a 15 year old boy reliably and usually not at all. But for a percentage of women they work! And a good sex sex life is important to a relationship and to overall well-being. Sexual harmony so to speak!
Stay tuned for my next blog with more information on medicines.
Dr. Becky Lynn is a gynecologist, menopause and sexual health specialist in St. Louis, MO. She is licensed to practice medicine in Missouri, Tennessee and Illinois. She she sees patients in her St. Louis office and offers telehealth consults to Illinois and Tennessee. Call today to schedule your appointment. (314) 934-0551 or click here to schedule.
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